Running to Jesus ~ Study of John Day 7

Do you know what makes me sad about John 7? Many disciples deserted Jesus during this time. Deserted Jesus. Seriously!! They were like "Dude...what you are teaching is too hard for us." TOO HARD?!? You've seen miraculous things. You've watched this Man of God WALK ON WATER and yet...what he was telling you was TOO HARD?!? They were right there. They could see Him. Touch Him. Feel Him and they choose to walk away. 

Yet...they stayed. 12 of them. Jesus choose them. He called them out. He called them by name. He asked them "You do not want to leave too, do you?" And Simon Peter says (AND don't we know HIS story!) "Lord,to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know you are the Holy One of God." Go Peter Go!! 

Today is the day we lost my sister in law to cancer 12 years ago. I got on the treadmill and ran/walked 4 miles in her honor. I have a cross-stitched picture I had made for my grandmother in 1994 hanging there. My grandmother passed away unexpectedly 8 years ago in January as well. The picture is to remind me to keep on persevering in spite of it all. On Saturday, I ran/walked 7 miles and noticed cobwebs. I cleaned them off. Today, cobwebs where back. As I was running, I kept thinking "Why would that spider choose to create a web again?" A living creature leaving behind a dead reminder of it's presence. I was just going to clean it away. Why would it do it? Will it build it again? Leave another dead reminder of it's presence yet again. I got thinking. Is that what we do with our lives? Do we constantly leave dead reminders of our presence in people's lives that are so offensive to them that all they want to do is wipe them away? "Sorry Kristina, what you are doing is TOO HARD!! I can't stay in your life...I have to cut you off! I can't be your sponsor any more. I can't acknowledge your Facebook statuses. I have to either 'hide' or 'delete' you because you are so offensive to me." Am I that to those people? Am I the spider or am I being Jesus to them? You can be around me. Touch me. Feel me. Who am I being? The spider or Jesus in people lives? Are you wiping me away because I am offensive or just TOO HARD? 

I have to laugh because this kind of goes along with yesterday's blog. "Well, if I 'like' her stuff, she might take it the wrong way and become 'too full of herself.' " Where is the humility in that? Once again...the spider or Jesus-hearted woman? The spider only builds her web for the benefit of herself. To catch food. To lay her eggs. To become mobile. It is self serving. It becomes a trap for all who are around that web. 

So yes...today...today...doubt has overcome. I choose the hard path. I choose to stay with Jesus. I choose to stay with Him even if that means that others will walk away because it is "too hard". Sure, I'll make mistakes. I might go overboard. I might become too radical. Too zealous. But in the end, your opinion doesn't matter. Like me or wipe me away. I will always survive because I have become a true Jesus-hearted woman. I know that and that is where I will always be second. 

Running to Jesus ~ Study of John Day 6

This past month, God has been doing a work in me. He has been showing me the difference between Humility and Insecurity. 

One is a Character Attribute. One is a Character Defect. I bet you can only guess what I have. People have mistaken my insecurity and lack of self-worth for humility. I do not have humility. I have insecurity.

Humility is God-focused and comes with a true understanding of your place and moment with Him. You don't need titles or awards because you know where your true worth stands in.

Insecurity is Me-focused. It rests on the fact that you are scared of who you might become and what others think of you. If God calls you to do something and someone doesn't agree with that calling, you become inward focused instead of God-focused. You start doubting The One that has had your life planned since the dawn of all creation. He knew you in your mother's womb. Your own mother did not really know you from the time you were first conceived. Sure, she might have known when she was newly pregnant, but only God knew YOU. He knew and had plans for you. So, why start doubting those plans? 

Because the day you were born, Satan starts to get to know you as well. He doesn't want you to follow the Will of God, nor does he want you to help others down that path either.  He, too, is the master of plans. He is patient and has lots of time to study you. By the time you have reached the Age of Accountability, Satan knows how to get to you. Not in a swift and mighty way, but a slow and deceitful way. He spends years executing his plans. Satan does a dance to take you away from God and what God's will is for your life. He slowly lays out his plans for you, and hopes that you fall in line with him and not God. Because we live in a fallen world, Satan's ways, to us seem so enticing and so much easier to follow. But are they really? Are they really freeing? I, personally, can tell you they are not. They just lead to a lot of the same chains and bondage that you started with. Satan is the Master of Lies. 

Humility or Insecurity. I have asked God to break the chains of Insecurity in my life. Chains that I have been bound to since I was a little girl. I prayed just today that may no one trip over me that wants to be closer to God. My mission. My vision is in line, right now with what God wants. Sometimes obedience to God is not easy because being God-focused is not the "popular" path. People question your motives. They have lots to say in it. AND if you do have the Character Defect of Insecurity...well...it may...no...it will...throw you off track. I know...it did and I don't want to think of how many days were wasted or how many lives might be affected because of getting off-track. 

So what is so important to me that I am willing to trade the Character Defect of Insecurity for the Character Attribute of Humility. The Kingdom of God. I know everyone should have what I have. Freedom. I am more content and freer than I have ever been. All because I have chosen to break the chains of who I was and always remember...I am second. 

Running to Jesus ~ Study of John Day 5

I look up every time I enter church. Is it because I'm really holy?!? OH NO!!! It's because Jesus knows everything...EVERYTHING about me and I want to make sure the roof isn't going to cave in. Seriously...I want to make sure. 

Jesus came into the world to save sinners ~ of whom I am the worst! But for the that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, THE WORST OF SINNERS, Christ Jesus might display His immense patience as an example for those who would believe in Him and receive eternal life. 1 Timothy 1:15-16 (emphasis is mine)

I have spent most of my life in shame. All the "wrong" I have done could write a book. And boy, people can let you know that. They look at you the "right" way when you walk into a room. Or they say something to you OR worse yet...they don't say anything AT ALL!!

My hubster and I have a favorite thing about "Christians". Those that walk right by you and shake hands with other Christians or talk to them, but *gasp* don't acknowledge you AT ALL!! Oh...Yeah...remember that "sin" you did. Maybe?!? 

But I am soooo grateful that Jesus sat right down there at the well and said to the Samaritan woman "Woman...Give me a drink." WOW! He didn't mess around. He didn't look the other way. He didn't even pause for a moment. Just "Give me a drink." She was like "What the what?!?" 

THAT is how I want to be. I am not here to judge you and your sin. I am not here to judge how you got here. Your story is now. You want to judge me and my sin, well, that is for you to explain when you get to heaven, not me. 

I'm going to ask you for that drink because you are worth it. I'm going to ask you how you are. I am going to smile at you. I am going to shake your hand. I am going to just be "normal" with you. Or try to be if you let me. 

Jesus was just "real" with everyone from the lowest of the low to the highest of the high. Why? Because He knew the hearts of everyone. I do not know the hearts of everyone. (Thank you AGAIN Jesus!) But I do know that Jesus died for everyone and He would do it again.

I am the worst of sinners. The church's roof does not collapse when I walk in. For that, I am grateful. I am grateful that my life was planned before I was even born. All it takes is courage and a lot of humility. Because if there is one thing I know...I am and always will be second. 

Running to Jesus ~ Advent Day 18

Do you ever look around at your life and wonder, “How did I get here?”  The angel revealed to Joseph a brand new chapter of his life story, a chapter that made zero sense on paper. The couple was betrothed—legally “pre-married”— and the fact that she was pregnant would equal shame for them both. It’s as if the angel anticipates Joseph’s (reasonable) objections and he says to Joseph directly, “Don’t be afraid to take Mary as your wife.” This is God’s doing. Do not fear. You can trust Him. Joseph—God bless him—he woke up and did as the angel said! He dared to believe that the word from the Lord was true. Joseph trusted God with his story, even though it looked nothing like he thought it would. What if we did the same? What if we woke each day, prepared to live in obedience and belief that what The Lord says is true? He is here, friends. He is our God with us, Emmanuel! Believe this. He is in the midst of our uncertainty and our hope. He is with us on the mountaintop and in the valley. We can trust Him. Do not be afraid When our story takes an unanticipated turn, don’t we, too, need to know our God is near? (shereadstruth.com) OK...I'm going on record here. I know God has a HUGE shift in plans for my life. I'm not 100% sure how it is all going to go down. I just know that it is. I kinda know the players He wants me to work with. I know what it entails. What I need to do now to prepare for it all. 2015 is going to be a big year in my life and in the movement of The Kingdom.  Here's the problem. I'm not "all down with that." I am not sure I like God's plan. It doesn't fit in with where I want my life to go. I am struggling with it. I do not necessarily want to work with the other people He wants me to work with. Quite personally, I like my life the way it is. I don't want to disrupt it. I like the flow. I like the way I am. I like the friends I have now. The path I see God taking me isn't an easy one. It will be full of criticizers and people who will question my motives. I keep telling God to "take this cup away from me" and "find someone else." Someone more worthy and/or excited for this vision He has. The problem? He just keeps telling me to "get over myself." He needs me. He is going to use me. He wants me to "suck it up."  Am I afraid? A little. It goes way out of my comfort zone. Some of the people He wants me to work with really bug me to a degree. We clash at times. Our personalities are similar and that makes it hard. I get it. But I don't want to do it.  So, yeah...I can totally relate to Joseph here. Step out on faith. Take it "like a man". Who is going to defend him when the criticizers come? He had to work with people that he may not have wanted to work with either. I know he loved Mary but to raise The Son of God? That was a HUGE undertaking. God didn't even ask him. Just told him. "Yo Joseph. Just go for it! Take Mary to be your wife and step out on faith." Just like He is calling me to do. Sometimes you just have to put yourself aside and realize that there is a bigger picture. I will always be second.

Running To Jesus ~ Advent Day 17

“From the very beginning of Christ’s incarnation the Holy Spirit was quietly doing what needed to be done to put forward Jesus Christ as the Son of God and Savior of man.” -Piper

What would it look like if the same were said of us in our daily lives?

“From the time she wakes up, ___________ is quietly doing what needs to be done to put forward Jesus Christ as the Son of God and  Savior of man.” (shereadstruth.com)

This really convicted me today. 

I've been angry. Angry about this weekend. I realize that this weekend would have gone on without me. I realize that everything would have happened if I had not stepped up back in October and volunteered my time. I realize the food would have gotten there without me. I realize people would have still walked through that door. People I know. People I love. People I pray for on a daily basis. I realize that. This weekend was not about me or for me. However, it doesn't negate the fact that I spent a lot of time preparing for this weekend or talked to many of these families or sponsors or prayed for this event. Yet, I felt like I was constantly being "put in my place." People seemed angry at me. Almost as if by me doing what I had done was a blaspheme to the whole event. Just me being there. (Well, that was my perception anyway.) Then, I heard that I was used as "an example" to the drivers. My personality was once again put on display as if I was not "good enough." I was "one of THOSE types of people." Gosh...that really stung. What had I done to deserve that? Have the personality that God gave me? I had given my all. I was tired and emotionally drained. I had spent hours behind the scenes doing things no one saw but God. I was angry. No one stood up for me. No one. I got the same "thanks" that the volunteer that showed up for a couple of hours did. I stood at registration and I watched the one lady praying with the families that I knew and loved and I bitterly thought "Would she even remember their names tomorrow? Tomorrow when I prayed for them for the hundredth time would she remember their names?" Here I was doing registration and she was praying for the families that I loved. Not once did she look at me, her friend and say "Kristina, can I pray for you. You look tired and stressed. Can I pray for you?" Not once. But she prayed with my friends. My friends whom I have prayed for for months and some for years. Yet, she never prayed or asked to pray for me. 

I almost didn't want to go back and spend even more "lonely" hours today working in the kid's church...organizing the cabinets, getting the Christmas cards ready to hand out, making sure all was set up for this weekend, doing general cleaning. I, mean, if it wasn't for this blog, no one would have known what I had done today. No one but God. I'm not sure they would even cared. Sure, Kid's Church would still have gone on Sunday. They would have functioned with a disorganized cabinet. I know, I've done it before. They do not need me to go on every week. The cards may or may not have made it out. No one would have been none the wiser and like it was said "We don't have to do it just because we have done it in the past." True. Just makes for a nice touch. Someone would probably step in with or without me. I, totally, get it. But, it just would be nice for someone to notice. 

Someone does notice. He notices everything I do. He sees all the pins and thumbtacks I sorted today. He watched me sort through all the markers. He watched me dance and praise Him. I don't have to shout out every day all the things I do in "quite" for Him. People may never notice what I do. They may think that I am a "bother", a "loud mouthed" "talks too much", "overbearing", "worships to wildly" and whatever else they want to throw in there. But there is someone who does notice all the time I spend in prayer. All the time I spend quietly doing things while no one is looking. I should be and will be from now on OK with that. There are two sides of me. There is the wild, crazy, fun-loving Jesus woman who likes to talk and share and enjoy others. Then there is just me. Just the woman who will spend hours making sure all is organized and ready to go for Kid's Church or putting an event together while someone else gets to love on her friends. Because in the end, it's all about putting Jesus first and me second. 

Running To Jesus ~ Advent Day 10

God doesn’t promise a pain-free existence. He promises to be with them. 
He doesn’t minimize their sin. He acknowledges and pardons it. ~ shereadstruth.com

I've been a busy woman. In a few days one of the biggest events that I have ever been a part of is going to happen. Christmas of Hope. Every time I think about it after this past Sunday I start crying, but I'm getting a little ahead of myself. 

The last time I really enjoyed Christmas...just really took in and breathed the Christmas beauty, the meaning of it all, the gloriousness of everything...the lights, the love, the breathtaking moments...was maybe 2002. 

In 2003, my Sister-in-law died of cancer in January. She was 26. It almost destroyed our family. In 2004, my father was arrested. In 2005, he was sent to prison. We spent years lugging the "shame" of being "THAT" family.  THAT family!!! In 2008, my grandmother died. She was the only one who ever got me. In 2009, we became the POOR family with no jobs and having to go on government assistance. In 2010, I became THAT person who was diagnosed with an "incurable" disorder. No matter what, Christmas was not joyful. I "tried" to be happy for the kids, but most Christmases, I just wanted to go back to bed. I hated being around people. I hated going to Christmas parties. I hated food because it made me fat. I hated decorations because too many lights made for a higher light bill. Family would be crabby when we got together OR they would be sick...literally with the flu or something worse. I would pray for December would get over and get over FAST!!

This year...this year has been so different for me. God has really been speaking to me. Opening up my heart and feelings. Showing me things like never before. He never promised it would be easy. He just promised He would be there for me. For you. In our brokenness. In our loneliness. In our sickness. In our poorness. He is there. 

When I called Josh up in October to help with Christmas of Hope, I thought "Eh, I'll just do a smidge here and there." I never, EVER in a million years thought that God would heal ME! I haven't received one material thing from any of this, but He has shown me miracle after miracle. He has told me things that would happen that have come to truth. Why did intrust me with this knowledge? To humble me. To show me that there is peace to this season. To give ME HOPE!! I needed it! I needed to see that there was healing in the moment. 

My nativity has not been out of the box and tissue paper since 2002. Maybe it is time to get out that set I bought the first year I was married. The miss matched set with a weird looking Mary and Joseph. The one with a cow that looks drunk. I haven't seen them in years. They have been in a box for 12 years. I have buried Jesus in tissue paper, not just in my own life, but in real life as well. Hidden in my basement is a Baby Jesus that hasn't seen the light of day in over a decade. THAT makes me cry today. The light today that my Jesus is showing through me needs to be seen. Publicly and personally. I have changed. I am no longer the same. Yes...I am THAT person. No longer hiding. No longer ashamed of a past that I thought defined me. Jesus knows me and still loves me. He still loves you too. I want to be that person to tell everyone that. 

If I live 5, 10, 15, 100 years, I want to tell everyone that. I want to bring HOPE and ENCOURAGEMENT to everyone. Your struggles are real. Your pain is real. Your Jesus...Your Comfort is real too. 

Tomorrow...I'll have a picture of my nativity for you. Because I am second. 

Running To Jesus ~ Advent Day 6

What an interesting scripture to think about during Advent. 

All we think about during this time is babies and sweet things. I want happy and light and music. Today. Today I'm just tired. I'm physically worn out. I'm mentally worn out. I'm emotionally exhausted. 

Some might say "Kristina, you have taken too much on. You are doing too much. You are being everything to everyone." No. I'm just tired. Sometimes in life. You get thirsty. We are human. We are vulnerable, and our bodies just wear down. We need rest. We need water. We need Jesus.

I would just like a hug today. For no other reason that to just feel someone's arms around me and to hold me for about 30 seconds. I would even be willing to hug them back. 

That is what is so great about spending time with Jesus even during this time. Sometimes, I just need to sit back and feel Him hug me. I don't want to feel anything else but the peace He brings. I don't want to have a wrestling match with Him. I don't want to fill His time up with petitions for things He already knows. I just want to lean into His loving embrace. 

So for those that don't fully know Him. They can come to that too. At no cost. Nothing. Just to ask for the Water of Life. "Let me drink from that cup," she asked at the well. I love the story of the Samaritan woman. Jesus told her that she was all that He had ever wanted her to be. He loved her inspite of her brokenness. He loved her inspite of her past. He loved her for her. We get so caught up at this time of year in judgement "They better not get any more handouts." "Geez! Those kids will have a better Christmas than my kids!" "Must be nice to be so poor and get all the 'freebies'." Really? Is that how Jesus would have behaved? Would He have called all the families who needed help in and met their needs only to turn around and call them hypocrites? I don't think so, but we do in our minds. 

So, let us just show love this year. Come. Come all those who are weary and need rest. Let me hug you. Let me just show you how much you are loved. There is no cost for the Water of Life. Just accept that there is One that loves you for you. That is all. Oh...He might like for you to love Him for Him. And to always remember that we are second.