Running to Jesus ~ Advent Day 18

Do you ever look around at your life and wonder, “How did I get here?”  The angel revealed to Joseph a brand new chapter of his life story, a chapter that made zero sense on paper. The couple was betrothed—legally “pre-married”— and the fact that she was pregnant would equal shame for them both. It’s as if the angel anticipates Joseph’s (reasonable) objections and he says to Joseph directly, “Don’t be afraid to take Mary as your wife.” This is God’s doing. Do not fear. You can trust Him. Joseph—God bless him—he woke up and did as the angel said! He dared to believe that the word from the Lord was true. Joseph trusted God with his story, even though it looked nothing like he thought it would. What if we did the same? What if we woke each day, prepared to live in obedience and belief that what The Lord says is true? He is here, friends. He is our God with us, Emmanuel! Believe this. He is in the midst of our uncertainty and our hope. He is with us on the mountaintop and in the valley. We can trust Him. Do not be afraid When our story takes an unanticipated turn, don’t we, too, need to know our God is near? (shereadstruth.com) OK...I'm going on record here. I know God has a HUGE shift in plans for my life. I'm not 100% sure how it is all going to go down. I just know that it is. I kinda know the players He wants me to work with. I know what it entails. What I need to do now to prepare for it all. 2015 is going to be a big year in my life and in the movement of The Kingdom.  Here's the problem. I'm not "all down with that." I am not sure I like God's plan. It doesn't fit in with where I want my life to go. I am struggling with it. I do not necessarily want to work with the other people He wants me to work with. Quite personally, I like my life the way it is. I don't want to disrupt it. I like the flow. I like the way I am. I like the friends I have now. The path I see God taking me isn't an easy one. It will be full of criticizers and people who will question my motives. I keep telling God to "take this cup away from me" and "find someone else." Someone more worthy and/or excited for this vision He has. The problem? He just keeps telling me to "get over myself." He needs me. He is going to use me. He wants me to "suck it up."  Am I afraid? A little. It goes way out of my comfort zone. Some of the people He wants me to work with really bug me to a degree. We clash at times. Our personalities are similar and that makes it hard. I get it. But I don't want to do it.  So, yeah...I can totally relate to Joseph here. Step out on faith. Take it "like a man". Who is going to defend him when the criticizers come? He had to work with people that he may not have wanted to work with either. I know he loved Mary but to raise The Son of God? That was a HUGE undertaking. God didn't even ask him. Just told him. "Yo Joseph. Just go for it! Take Mary to be your wife and step out on faith." Just like He is calling me to do. Sometimes you just have to put yourself aside and realize that there is a bigger picture. I will always be second.

Running To Jesus ~ Advent Day 17

“From the very beginning of Christ’s incarnation the Holy Spirit was quietly doing what needed to be done to put forward Jesus Christ as the Son of God and Savior of man.” -Piper

What would it look like if the same were said of us in our daily lives?

“From the time she wakes up, ___________ is quietly doing what needs to be done to put forward Jesus Christ as the Son of God and  Savior of man.” (shereadstruth.com)

This really convicted me today. 

I've been angry. Angry about this weekend. I realize that this weekend would have gone on without me. I realize that everything would have happened if I had not stepped up back in October and volunteered my time. I realize the food would have gotten there without me. I realize people would have still walked through that door. People I know. People I love. People I pray for on a daily basis. I realize that. This weekend was not about me or for me. However, it doesn't negate the fact that I spent a lot of time preparing for this weekend or talked to many of these families or sponsors or prayed for this event. Yet, I felt like I was constantly being "put in my place." People seemed angry at me. Almost as if by me doing what I had done was a blaspheme to the whole event. Just me being there. (Well, that was my perception anyway.) Then, I heard that I was used as "an example" to the drivers. My personality was once again put on display as if I was not "good enough." I was "one of THOSE types of people." Gosh...that really stung. What had I done to deserve that? Have the personality that God gave me? I had given my all. I was tired and emotionally drained. I had spent hours behind the scenes doing things no one saw but God. I was angry. No one stood up for me. No one. I got the same "thanks" that the volunteer that showed up for a couple of hours did. I stood at registration and I watched the one lady praying with the families that I knew and loved and I bitterly thought "Would she even remember their names tomorrow? Tomorrow when I prayed for them for the hundredth time would she remember their names?" Here I was doing registration and she was praying for the families that I loved. Not once did she look at me, her friend and say "Kristina, can I pray for you. You look tired and stressed. Can I pray for you?" Not once. But she prayed with my friends. My friends whom I have prayed for for months and some for years. Yet, she never prayed or asked to pray for me. 

I almost didn't want to go back and spend even more "lonely" hours today working in the kid's church...organizing the cabinets, getting the Christmas cards ready to hand out, making sure all was set up for this weekend, doing general cleaning. I, mean, if it wasn't for this blog, no one would have known what I had done today. No one but God. I'm not sure they would even cared. Sure, Kid's Church would still have gone on Sunday. They would have functioned with a disorganized cabinet. I know, I've done it before. They do not need me to go on every week. The cards may or may not have made it out. No one would have been none the wiser and like it was said "We don't have to do it just because we have done it in the past." True. Just makes for a nice touch. Someone would probably step in with or without me. I, totally, get it. But, it just would be nice for someone to notice. 

Someone does notice. He notices everything I do. He sees all the pins and thumbtacks I sorted today. He watched me sort through all the markers. He watched me dance and praise Him. I don't have to shout out every day all the things I do in "quite" for Him. People may never notice what I do. They may think that I am a "bother", a "loud mouthed" "talks too much", "overbearing", "worships to wildly" and whatever else they want to throw in there. But there is someone who does notice all the time I spend in prayer. All the time I spend quietly doing things while no one is looking. I should be and will be from now on OK with that. There are two sides of me. There is the wild, crazy, fun-loving Jesus woman who likes to talk and share and enjoy others. Then there is just me. Just the woman who will spend hours making sure all is organized and ready to go for Kid's Church or putting an event together while someone else gets to love on her friends. Because in the end, it's all about putting Jesus first and me second. 

Running To Jesus ~ Advent Day 10

God doesn’t promise a pain-free existence. He promises to be with them. 
He doesn’t minimize their sin. He acknowledges and pardons it. ~ shereadstruth.com

I've been a busy woman. In a few days one of the biggest events that I have ever been a part of is going to happen. Christmas of Hope. Every time I think about it after this past Sunday I start crying, but I'm getting a little ahead of myself. 

The last time I really enjoyed Christmas...just really took in and breathed the Christmas beauty, the meaning of it all, the gloriousness of everything...the lights, the love, the breathtaking moments...was maybe 2002. 

In 2003, my Sister-in-law died of cancer in January. She was 26. It almost destroyed our family. In 2004, my father was arrested. In 2005, he was sent to prison. We spent years lugging the "shame" of being "THAT" family.  THAT family!!! In 2008, my grandmother died. She was the only one who ever got me. In 2009, we became the POOR family with no jobs and having to go on government assistance. In 2010, I became THAT person who was diagnosed with an "incurable" disorder. No matter what, Christmas was not joyful. I "tried" to be happy for the kids, but most Christmases, I just wanted to go back to bed. I hated being around people. I hated going to Christmas parties. I hated food because it made me fat. I hated decorations because too many lights made for a higher light bill. Family would be crabby when we got together OR they would be sick...literally with the flu or something worse. I would pray for December would get over and get over FAST!!

This year...this year has been so different for me. God has really been speaking to me. Opening up my heart and feelings. Showing me things like never before. He never promised it would be easy. He just promised He would be there for me. For you. In our brokenness. In our loneliness. In our sickness. In our poorness. He is there. 

When I called Josh up in October to help with Christmas of Hope, I thought "Eh, I'll just do a smidge here and there." I never, EVER in a million years thought that God would heal ME! I haven't received one material thing from any of this, but He has shown me miracle after miracle. He has told me things that would happen that have come to truth. Why did intrust me with this knowledge? To humble me. To show me that there is peace to this season. To give ME HOPE!! I needed it! I needed to see that there was healing in the moment. 

My nativity has not been out of the box and tissue paper since 2002. Maybe it is time to get out that set I bought the first year I was married. The miss matched set with a weird looking Mary and Joseph. The one with a cow that looks drunk. I haven't seen them in years. They have been in a box for 12 years. I have buried Jesus in tissue paper, not just in my own life, but in real life as well. Hidden in my basement is a Baby Jesus that hasn't seen the light of day in over a decade. THAT makes me cry today. The light today that my Jesus is showing through me needs to be seen. Publicly and personally. I have changed. I am no longer the same. Yes...I am THAT person. No longer hiding. No longer ashamed of a past that I thought defined me. Jesus knows me and still loves me. He still loves you too. I want to be that person to tell everyone that. 

If I live 5, 10, 15, 100 years, I want to tell everyone that. I want to bring HOPE and ENCOURAGEMENT to everyone. Your struggles are real. Your pain is real. Your Jesus...Your Comfort is real too. 

Tomorrow...I'll have a picture of my nativity for you. Because I am second. 

Running To Jesus ~ Advent Day 6

What an interesting scripture to think about during Advent. 

All we think about during this time is babies and sweet things. I want happy and light and music. Today. Today I'm just tired. I'm physically worn out. I'm mentally worn out. I'm emotionally exhausted. 

Some might say "Kristina, you have taken too much on. You are doing too much. You are being everything to everyone." No. I'm just tired. Sometimes in life. You get thirsty. We are human. We are vulnerable, and our bodies just wear down. We need rest. We need water. We need Jesus.

I would just like a hug today. For no other reason that to just feel someone's arms around me and to hold me for about 30 seconds. I would even be willing to hug them back. 

That is what is so great about spending time with Jesus even during this time. Sometimes, I just need to sit back and feel Him hug me. I don't want to feel anything else but the peace He brings. I don't want to have a wrestling match with Him. I don't want to fill His time up with petitions for things He already knows. I just want to lean into His loving embrace. 

So for those that don't fully know Him. They can come to that too. At no cost. Nothing. Just to ask for the Water of Life. "Let me drink from that cup," she asked at the well. I love the story of the Samaritan woman. Jesus told her that she was all that He had ever wanted her to be. He loved her inspite of her brokenness. He loved her inspite of her past. He loved her for her. We get so caught up at this time of year in judgement "They better not get any more handouts." "Geez! Those kids will have a better Christmas than my kids!" "Must be nice to be so poor and get all the 'freebies'." Really? Is that how Jesus would have behaved? Would He have called all the families who needed help in and met their needs only to turn around and call them hypocrites? I don't think so, but we do in our minds. 

So, let us just show love this year. Come. Come all those who are weary and need rest. Let me hug you. Let me just show you how much you are loved. There is no cost for the Water of Life. Just accept that there is One that loves you for you. That is all. Oh...He might like for you to love Him for Him. And to always remember that we are second. 

Running To Jesus ~ Advent Day 5

Did you know that Bethlehem means “House of Bread”? In Hebrew, “Beth-lehem” is actually two words: “house” (Beth) and “bread” (lehem). And since the Hebrew language is read from right to left, Bethlehem is written like this:

בֵּית   לֶחֶם
bread house

~ shereadstruth.com

When I was diagnosed with Celiac's Disease August 2013, I was devastated. No more bread. At least not the light, sweet bread that I love. If I eat even a bite of bread now, I have severe stomach cramps that only a woman who has had labor pains would truly appreciate. For many months I cried. I loved my bread and my carbs made from the gluten that is so plentiful this time of year.

Then, I realized that I only needed one "bread" to really sustain me when I longed for the bread I couldn't have any more. Jesus. The giver of the Bread of Life. He broke bread. It has been hard to go through communion at times. I was confused for a while. Was it sacrilegious not to really eat the bread given to me during the communion offering? To eat something in replace of it? To only receive a blessing maybe? To even *gasp* fake it? Over the course of the year and several communions later, I realized couple things. 1) Jesus loved me for me. He died on the cross for me. ALL of me. Even the Celiac part of me. Communion is me showing my love and utmost respect for that moment He gave all for ME! His broken body for mine. It had nothing to do with bread or a cracker or even a blessing. It has to do with me giving all of me just like He gave all of Himself for me. End of story. 2) Jesus loves me for me. He knows my heart. If it comes in an attitude of worship. He knows. How many times have I taken communion and have had an unclean heart? I don't want to know because I think it would break my heart. 3) Jesus loves me for me. He doesn't want to see me suffer. He wants me to be fully me. He wants me to run my race with perseverance but He doesn't want to see me suffer. He has provided me several ways to come to obedience in the way of Communion. I don't have to suffer. It was not ever about me suffering. 4) Jesus loves me for me. Period. Communion is just an outward showing of my love and faithfulness to the beauty of my love to Him. I just love Him that much. 

So many times we put or want to put stipulations on things. This time of year it is so easy to do. So easy to say "If I do this, than this will happen" or "If I DON'T do this, this will happen or this won't happen." Jesus' mission was clear. Love others for who they were. The broken mess that they were. Then, He died on the cross for all the brokenness that there was. I cannot even begin to comprehend it all. Not even to this day. All I know is in all that I do...I will always strive to be second. 

Go to Him hungry, expectant that you will walk away full. He is enough. ~ Jesus is enough. He was enough as a baby. He lived 33 years giving us enough. He died on the cross giving us everything. Celiac's or not. He is enough. 

Running To Jesus ~ Advent Day 4

For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”  – 1 Samuel 11:7

Today, one stops and thinks about the lineage of the small baby from an unexpected, unknown shepherd boy, David to an unexpected, unknown girl, Mary. Chosen. Anointed. Neither one born into royalty but both made into a lineage of royalty like none other before or since. David ~ A man after God's own heart. Mary ~ A woman after God's own heart.

I know, for me, when my heart is following the Will of God, it changes me. I feel different. I feel different. Peaceful and at peace. 

All my life people have told me "Relax Kristina. Just relax." It is hard for me to 'relax'. I get uptight and tense. I worry about too much stuff and overthink things. The problem with that is I tend to turn to the wrong things to 'relax'. For most of my life, it was food. I used food to help me relax. It became an addiction. When I had broken the chains of my food addiction, I was still having trouble 'relaxing'. I needed something to help me to 'relax'. I started finding that in alcohol. Then, one night I came home really relaxed. Laughing and giggling. Way too funny. I woke up the next day and realized that I had drove home drunk. It wasn't funny any more. 

God had a plan for me. Drinking to relax wasn't in that plan for me. 

I want to be Kristina ~ A woman after God's own heart.

I can't be that if I am allowing outside sin to distract me and give me a false expectation of 'relaxing' me. Now. Now I use God's word and His presence to help me 'relax'. I can't say that it has been easy. I still want to turn, at times, to food or alcohol to help me 'relax'. However, when I allow the Holy Spirit to 'relax' me the calm is so much sweeter and the mood is so much brighter. 

I can hide from the world. I can look good from the outside. My statuses on Facebook, my Tweets on Twitter, my pics on Instagram can all look awesome. People can assume I am living a grand life. But if my heart is not right, God always knows. I will never be able to 'relax'. 

My history. My lineage. What will it say about me if my heart is not one that is after God's own heart? Generations will be hurt. They will grieve. They need for me to break this pattern of abuse that has been cycling for generations in my family. It isn't about wealth or fame or prestige. It is about leaving behind a lineage that leaves a silent trail of men and women who all after God's own heart. 

Because in the end, it is not about me. I am always second. 

Running to Jesus ~ Advent Day 3

Hope. We see it all through Scripture. But it’s not hope in ourselves or what we can do—it’s hope in the promises of the One who never lets us down. It’s Hope who came as a tiny baby, turning the Old Testament prophecies into realities and making a big, beautiful pile of fresh promises for us to cling to. Like the words in that burgundy Bible, those promises are true for every generation, and the Hope who holds them will never fail. ~ shereadstruth.com

400 years. 400 years. That is how many years that blank piece of paper represents between my Old Testament in my Bible and my New Testament. 400 years of dreams. 400 years of waiting. 400 years of praying. 400 years of births, weddings, laughing, working, loving and just living. 400 years of HOPE. 

I tend to forget that when I get impatient with my life. When I tend to want to move God faster in my life. I tend to forget how time really works in the reality of it all. I want to make time such a finite thing in my adult "mature" thinking. 

Yesterday while driving a the bus, two little kindergarten girls who sit together up front were not having a good day together. I couldn't move them. I kept reminding them that they only had to sit together for such a short period of time. Only about 15 minutes. To them, it was an eternity. For me, it felt like an eternity every time I heard "Kristina" as well. 

I wonder if that is how God feels with us. We plead "God" and come up with something of a whiney "blah, blah, blah" and then He looks at us and says "You've only got --- to hold on. Just be patient." 

So often, I am immature and like those little kindergarten girls. Who's got time for 400 years to wait? Then...then they had just a smidge over 30 years to wait till Jesus really started to teach and preach. Yet, I want it now. I have to remember that there is beauty in the waiting. Beauty in the prophecy of waiting. "Behold I will give you a sign." 

Just wait. For however long it takes. God's ways are perfect. God's ways are true. God's ways are forever just and mighty. He gives hope to the hopeless. He will never fail me. He will come through. Just be patient. Just wait. Even if I'm seated next to someone who is really bugging me. Because I am and always will be second. 

Running to Jesus ~ Advent Day 2

On this second day of Advent, let us rejoice in a God that keeps His promises to us, even if it means sacrificing His only Son.

His promises are true. ~ From shereadstruth.com

Wow! Day 2. What an awesome way to start. Promises. 

When I woke on January 1, 2014, I did not know what to expect this year. Not one thing. I wondered what the year would hold. All I knew was this that God had told me that it was going to be an amazing year. What constitutes an amazing year? What exactly does "amazing" mean? 

The Urban Dictionary defines "amazing" as Something that is so wonderful, it is hard to find the words to match. Something that makes your heart beat faster or your heart melt. Something that tops everything else, and always crosses your mind.

Hmmm....I would definitely describe this year as "amazing".  It started off with hearing God tell me to do the Illinois Half Marathon and joining WBGL's Team Abolition International. Through that, I became a spokesperson for the team and my story was heard all over the WBGL radio broadcasting area. I also became WCIA (local TV station) Face of the Race. My story of the last half marathon and how I kiss my husband at the end of every race was broadcast. Through that I met new friends and reconnected with old friends. That in and of itself is amazing. 

If that was all that happened this year, I would have counted myself blessed, but God had other plans for me. In August, my life radically changed. I heard a calling so deep that I really fought it. It is so difficult to fight God. I argued with Him. I bargained with Him. I even gave Him names of women who I thought were better at doing what I knew He called me to do. I cried many tears. 

God was not going to listen to me. He was done playing games with me. I kept telling Him that I was a 40 year old white woman who was a bus driver. He didn't care. I kept telling Him that I was scared that I was going to mess it up. He told me that if I did it by myself that I was going to mess it up. Every time I backed away, He steamed rolled over me. He was done playing games with me. He was done with the immaturity that I was showing. In the process, He also showed maturity in my husband. He started opening my eyes to things in the Bible that I had read hundreds of times that now had new meaning to me. He was done playing games. My path. My purpose became clear. He even said "When I lay My Hand on you, no man will stop you. No man." 

Me. Well, I am human. I do tend to break my promises. I tell God that I won't doubt Him or that I won't forget to know His ways are best. Then, something happens or someone says something and I start doubting what His plans and my purpose is. He just keeps on going. He just picks me up. He speaks to me. He tells me to stop acting like a child and move on. Yes, I have a healthy fear of God. His promises are true. 

I remember that I have to say "yes" even when I am scared. I have to say "yes" even when I know that I will mess up if I do it all by myself. I have to say "yes" because God's ways are the best. His promises are true. 

I remember to keep running the race set before me and that I am always second. Why? Because His promises are always true.